Friday, January 25, 2013

elucidation of the aft pudendum

on my recent expedition through the east indies, as our small party came to rest atop an outcropping of rocks, one of our hunters returned with the hind quarter of a musk deer; and as it glistened in the morning dew i was reminded of that exuberant exhaltation spawned jointly from the genius of Rimbaud and Verlaine, their only known collaborative work to have survived. in the throes of this epiphany i had a realization of profound verbal resonance that has permitted me to complete at long last my translation of that work from the french.  namely, that the recurrent irriguous references that permeate the verse engender a metaphorical context of masculine verility that imbue it with a level of supreme subtlety not previously noted in the critical literature.  i present for you my new translation of this oft overlooked masterpiece that corrects the glaring oversight of Mérat's poetic catalogues of the human anatomy.

sonnet of the anus

"dark and wrinkled like a purple carnation
it breathes, humbly lurking among the dark moss
humid from love, following the damp trail 
of the white buttocks to the heart of their domain.

threads like tears of milk
weep under the cruel south wind that pushes
through small clots of reddish marl,
and lose themselves where the slope calls them.

in dream i have often kissed its opening;
my soul, jealous of physical coitus
made this its wild and tearful nest of sobs.

it is a swooning olive, a cajoling flute
this is the tube where the heavenly praline flows:
promised land with moisture rimmed!"

- Arthur Rimbaud, Paul Verlaine, 1871

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

enhance your anti-factors

Unnecessary stress leads to a state of bodily or mental tension resulting from factors that tend to alter an existent equilibrium.  Therefore, science anti-factors are needed to undo and eradicate these undesirable stress factors.  Anti-factors are actually positive plutonium particles obtained using a patented process to distill plutonium from ordinary materials.  Let me explain how this works.  In 1947 famous Norwegian scientist Bjornstjerne Bjorneboe discovered a psychoreactive compound known as vikingfjord, which at room temperature assumes liquid form.  Upon accidentally ingesting some of this liquid, Dr. Bjorneboe suddenly conceived of a process by which it could be transmuted into anti-factors and immediately patented his procedure.  We now call this procedure Process G, since it has been shown by Mayan daykeeper and historical archivist Hunbatz Men that "G" is a letter with mystical properties.  It's symbolic form in ancient Mayan resembles a swirling image of our Milky Way galaxy.  In fact, "galaxy" itself begins with G!  How can this be explained?  Somehow ancient Mayan astronomers must have been aware of Process G and used it to transmute their stress factors and produce mystical hieroglyphs.  To unravel these ancient Mayan mysteries and bring them into modern times using Dr. Bjorneboe's techniques, we have incorporated anti-factor technology into our new G-Machine time travel device.  This device uses positive plutonium particles to travel back to ancient Mayan civilization where you can live a stress-free existence for up to 30 minutes, while tied to a stone "relaxation table" on top of Chichén Itzá's Kulculcán pyramid, before being released by a sacred shaman to join bird-god Quetzal Coatl on a higher "transcendental plane."

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

sonnet 6743

"Thy shrewd construction doth confute thy years
And lend thy unripe form a sagely seem,
Whose handsome fortress doth inhem thy fears
And round thy passions with a heavy seam.
What army dare attempt to breach that fort,
Unbar thy vestments and agape thy bars,
Turn out thy wonderments for foolish sport?
The siege alone would well outlast the stars,
And end such foray with a sad retort.
No force of arms will e’er unthread thy guard,
But careful consort might thy courteous court
Persuade to ope the gate and thus discard
The chilly semblance of the mortared bounds
That cloak the warmer recess of thy grounds."

- Sir Martin Caterwaul III

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

the lepidopteran sacking of rome

life cycle of the ergotic attachment

the study of ergotic transformations arose from an attempt in the early part of the 20th century to reconcile certain measure-preserving transformations with the freudian concept of "amorous choice."  the name "ergotic," used as a modifier by Hoffman as early as 1932, refers to the sclerotium of the fungus of genus Claviceps and the ascospores formed by a sexual process in these bodies, from which transformative powers are derived through the action of certain potent alkaloids.  the resultant class of neuromotor transformations is generally divided into the physical and the psychotic.  the former category may be further subdivided into motor affections (lassitude, sensory disorders, ataxic gait, impairment of speech, deterioration of writing) and vegetative symptoms (indisposition, nausea, emptiness, buzzing of the ears, headache, perspiration, accelerated heartbeat). psychotic components include personality disturbances, disturbances in logical thinking, reduced powers of concentration, changes in mood varying from euphoria to depression, modification of memory function, distortion of the perception of space and time, and polychrome hallucinations.  these transformations can move almost all subsets of the physiological space but cannot move sets of measure zero or the entire space.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

nature abhors a blog

"nature abhors a blog." so wrote benedict spinoza in 1677,  by which he meant simply that the process through which a blog is created is anti-entropic, requiring the evacuation of verbiage, the expulsion of consonants and vowels from an idealized encapsulated region of utter disarray, into the realm of the sentence and the punctuation mark.  it is to create from a state of disorganization a state of perfectly organized vacuousness.  it should be noted, however, that the difficulty of achieving this outcome is due precisely to the self-conserving nature of disorder.  the creation of a state of purposeless prose and empty lines of letters comes at the cost of greater chaos elsewhere induced.  for every assembled paragraph neatly terminated with a period, for every postscript size 12 font intermingling in the democratic webospheric congress of the lexicon, letters of other fathomless realms are compelled to open anarchy, engaging themselves in a panoply of lithographic mutinies, throwing themselves with pornographic abandon upon subway walls, highway overpasses, and bathroom stalls, illegibly scribbled by future girl scout cheerleaders on parchments passed between teenaged thighs beneath lunchtime dribbles of milk and tater tots, advertisements scratched upon chinese rice patty carts and oriental hot dog vendor stands, user manuals  for cheap plastic alarm clocks and calculator wrist watches incorrectly transcribed from the japanese, and haikus written in mutated shorthand by filthy monkeys screeching like macaws from the branches of shopping mall christmas tree escalator ramps.  thus the bloggy onslaught of the blogosphere transforms the sublime into the unrecognizable.