recipe for organic multi-grain cake

This simple recipe is all organic and can be made right at home using fresh ingredients you can find at your local produce section or tropical rain forest.  It's great to serve to oneself, visiting guests, or at company picnics.

Ingredients:

4 teaspoons of vinegar
1/4 cup water siphoned from a mountain spring
1 Agaricus mushroom
1 deer antler
1 Cnidium fruit
3 Gynostemma leaves
2 oz. of thermofluidic Mucor miehei fungus
1 oz. of mineral salt solution of zinc sulfate and hydrochloric acid
1 cultured petri dish of Streptococci
2 fl. oz. of tears from a newborn infant
3 tbs. of placenta
1 tbs. each of whole grain organic barley, rye, and wheat seeds
1 female cattle (cow)
1 temperature and humidity controlled cellar

Instructions:

1.  Plant organic grain in flower bed or empty patch of soil, scattered in orderly rows labelled by type.  Water regularly and ensure adequate sunlight for 3 to 4 months, until ready for harvesting.  Collect and set aside small bowl of wheat bran.
2.  Meanwhile, milk cow to obtain 1 gallon of whole milk.  Begin fermentation process of the Mucor miehei in a brine bath.
3.  Churn 1/2 gallon of fresh milk in a butter churn for 5 hours until desired consistency is achieved.  Set aside 4 tablespoons of butter.
4.  Heat the remaining 1/2 gallon of milk in a kettle on the stove top until boiling, then turn off heating element.
5.  Add vinegar and stir with a spoon until it turns to curds and whey.  Pass the curds through a cheese cloth to separate from the whey and then compress to remove moisture.
6.  Moisten the wheat bran with acidic salt solution and autoclave for 1 hour at 15 psi.
7.  Meanwhile, grind deer antler with mortar and pestle until powdered.  Dice Gynostemma leaves and mushroom with a pairing knife and mix with one crushed Cnidium seed and set aside in a small bowl.
8.  Add the fermented thermofluidic M. miehei and steptococci culture to the compressed curds.  Cultivate in an incubator at 50 degrees Centigrade for 96 hours.
9.  Combine 3 oz. of cultivated cheese with deer antler, Gynostemma leaves, Agaricus, and crushed Cnidium.  Compress into an approximately 1 inch square with hydraulic press and age in cellar for 1-2 years at 15 degrees Centigrade and 20% humidity.
10.  Harvest the grain stalks or cut with a scythe.  Wash and dry.
11.  Chop grain and then crank in a mill until all of the grain has been processed through.  Repeat until the blend of grains reaches a fine powdery texture.
12.  Combine grain flour in a small mixing bowl with infant tears, placenta, and remaining 4 tbs. butter and mix thoroughly until doughy.
13.  Roll whole grain dough into a small sheet approximately 3 by 3 inches square and use a circular serrated cookie cutter to cut out a circular region.  Bake in pre-heated oven at 400 degrees F for 15 minutes until brown and crispy.
14.  Top with the square of aged cultured cheese and a sprig of parsley and serve!

Makes one serving.  Recommended side dishes:

Best served with a side of fresh arugula and seaweed salad peppered with Himalayan olives, roasted almonds, and grilled fois gras in a blue cheese pistachio dressing nestled on a bed of jasmine quinoa and whole grain polenta seasoned with sea salt and white truffles and served with a side of poached egg whites under a canopy of diced yam crisps in a port wine and goat's milk reduction with a cluster of skewered asparagus bathed in garlic coconut cream sauce and pickled durians in a cinnamon potpourri with a half tablespoon of crushed pink peppercorns lightly sprinkled on top.